Since my younger child approached three years of age, tantrums are pretty much a daily occurrence in our household. It could be that her big brother went upstairs first, I said her favorite spoon was in the dishwasher, or a playmate wanted the same toy she did. Enter the tantrum. Much like a storm, sometimes these tantrums are predictable ahead of time and you can do something to help avoid damage and be as prepared as possible. Other times, unfortunately, that is not the case, and it can feel that much harder to handle when you don’t know it’s coming or what it’s even about. Regardless, I’ve been learning more and more as a parent just how valuable these moments are, both for my daughter to be able to express herself safely, and even more so for me to be able to learn how to ride it out without resisting the experience (or becoming a tantruming toddler myself!) I came up with a little acronym to help remember the steps I try to follow to help ride out the storm of a tantrum. I call it CALM: Compassion, Approach, Label, Model. Here’s the first one–

Compassion: show them you care

The first thing that is helpful for me as a parent during a tantrum is to tap into the most compassionate place available to me and conjure up as much compassion for my child, and myself, as humanly possible in that moment. Now if I am tired, haven’t eaten, or it’s just been “one of those days,” this is of course a bit more challenging. But whatever I can muster up, I try to take a couple of slow deep breaths to prepare to hunker down for the storm. Sometimes little internal mantras can be really helpful here, like silently repeating to myself, “This will pass” or “tantrums are normal” just to normalize the experience for myself and give some perspective to it before diving in. I’ve found it’s better to let my kid tantrum for those thirty seconds while I get into a good headspace for handling it, rather than rushing over immediately in a frantic way. It almost always goes badly and contributes to the tantrum when I get flustered myself or come in with a frustrated energy.

After trying to take some breaths and have a self pep-talk, I try to make sure I can communicate some compassion to my child. I may do this by saying “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now,” or “I’m right here.” I find the exact words aren’t as important as much as your caring energy as a parent is. Just by showing you are calm and really present for your child communicates that energy of compassion.

The good news is, even if you find it difficult initially to show compassion during a tantrum, this is a step you can always come back to again and again. For example, it was recently my brother-in-law’s wedding and with all of the travel, lack of sleep, copious amounts of sugar, and change in routine, both of my kids had increased tantrums during the trip. I found myself frustrated at times and not always able to enter the tantrum with compassion so immediately. I found, though, that once I was able to come to a place where I really demonstrated compassionate energy, like saying “hey I know this is different and all of these changes can be hard”, my kids and I were all able to soften a bit. I can’t think of a time, especially during a tantrum, where showing my kids and myself some compassion hasn’t benefited us all.

I’ll get into the next step, Approach, next week!