The Power of Validation
“Can you please put on your shoes so we can get going?” This was my third time asking my son to do so, and this time, it was more of an angry sounding demand than an even-toned request. After no response (again) and it being 5 pm on a Thursday afternoon (which meant I was hungry and tired), I loudly pleaded, “Please just put your shoes on already!”
The moment those words left my mouth my son broke down crying. As I tried to understand his words between his cries, I heard him say “I don’t like that you screamed at me!” I was really taken aback. I definitely sounded frustrated with him in that moment, but I felt certain I did not yell at all, much less “scream.” I couldn’t believe he experienced what felt like a slight tone of justifiable aggravation on my part as screaming. I was so tempted to tell him that I wasn’t screaming, I was just annoyed. I wanted to explain my position, defend myself, and correct his point of view.
Luckily, I stopped myself. While of course it is important in a misunderstanding to be able to express our own unique perspective on a situation, whether with our children or in any relationship, when a person is feeling very hurt and is vulnerably stating that hurt, I have found that a more effective approach is to validate the other person. Validation does not mean simply agreeing, but rather, letting the other person see that their feelings and experiences are valid and that they matter to you. I rubbed his back for a minute and then decided to say, “You really heard what I said as screaming, huh?” Just at that one sentence of curiosity and non defensiveness, his body relaxed and he was able to talk more calmly. “Yeah. I really don’t like it when you talk like that. It feels like you’re yelling at me and I just don’t like it.”
From there, I was able to make a few more statements in which I tried to further validate his experience. It seemed like each time my son felt heard and validated, he softened, and we were able to have more of a conversation where we could both hear each other and take in what the other was saying. I feel confident that if I had instead corrected his experience or defended my perspective, likely invalidating him, that he wouldn’t have been in a place to hear me at all. I felt I was able to leave the experience not only having validating his feelings, but him eventually understanding what got me frustrated, too.
3 thoughts on “The Power of Validation”
So my question is- How do you get yourself to go from that place of frustration, aggravation and tension to having a clear-headed view of the situation and being able to sit down and speak with your child calmly. There are so many times I’m able to think ‘after the fact’ that that’s what I should do next time. But in the moment I’m often too caught up in my overwhelming feelings or, worse (and I’m ashamed to admit this in a public forum), I think to myself “I’m mad and I don’t want to NOT be mad right now.” 😔 I find it hard to snap back from that. 😞
Thanks for sharing! I can’t imagine anyone NOT having a hard time with that, myself included. So in this situation, I think it softened me when I saw him shift from defiance to sadness. It was easier for me in that scenario to empathize with him and really feel into his experience. It also helps me if I try to take a moment for myself and close my eyes and take a few really slow, deep breaths. Clearly, he wasn’t having any sort of urgency in that moment to do what I wanted, so slowing things down for yourself for just a few seconds and feeling into your feet, putting a hand on your chest, and anything you can do to ground yourself in that moment can be surprisingly effective. Even saying something validating for yourself can be really powerful, so rather than trying to force yourself not to be mad, just being in your own corner and saying something to yourself like “I am so mad and it’s totally understandable that I am mad right now” may help you feel validated in that moment and may subsequently allow your body to relax. So often in these moments when we are angry we can get into a bigger struggle internally by trying to force ourselves or berate ourselves out of our anger….which never works!
If none of that works and you find yourself unable to validate the other person (as we all find ourselves in this place sometimes), then the next best thing is coming back to the situation when you are in a calm place and making repair. It’s so valuable, and also validating for someone else, to be able to revisit a conflict when the dust has settled and be able to apologize and discuss ways you wish you handled things differently. That could lead to a really powerful and validating exchange, too!
Wow, I’ve really never thought of validating my feelings while helping myself to calm down. Like, it’s okay to say to myself, “I’m super mad right now”, while ALSO choosing to take a moment to regain my composure. I guess those two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive- I can feel emotionally aggravated while also allowing myself to physically calm down so I can handle the situation more rationally. Thank you for this advice! <3