Yesterday I was meeting with a therapist with whom I do clinical consultation. As we were talking, one of the topics that arose involved questions – the importance of asking questions, the content of the questions, the meaning of the questions…so many questions!

This therapist is very wise and she said something that really struck me. She said, “Competence is not in the answer, it is in the question. Knowing the question to ask determines the process we engage in.” 

I have been reflecting on this quite a bit since our meeting. I was thinking about how we all – as members of society, as children, as parents, as clients, as therapists…we all want answers. We long for the solution. We want to know what schools to send our children to, what events to say yes or no to, what we need to do to “feel better”, and what approach to take to best serve those around us. 

But I’m beginning to believe that it’s not in the answer where we really find meaning or what we are truly looking for, but rather, in the question. For example, a chronic pain sufferer might ask “What is the treatment I need to help me feel better?” This is a very reasonable question to be asking. Of course someone in pain, physical or emotional, wants to know how to experience less pain. They understandably seek answers. Though if we take a closer look at the question, we can more deeply understand what our question is really about and that can lead us to a more profound connection to ourselves. 

So how do we do that, how do we begin to reflect on the questions we are asking? (and yes, I am aware this is all very meta and I am posing questions within questions!)

First, you might want to ask yourself who is asking this question? In other words, what part of you is seeking an answer to this particular question? Is it a part of you that doubts yourself, a part that believes you are flawed or broken, a part that feels desperate or angry or lonely? Knowing where the question is coming from within can shine a light on the underlying purpose of the question. Knowing this information can also help you to support the tender part of you who is asking. 

Another question to ask is what are you really asking? In the example I gave, is the person really just asking about a treatment plan and solution, or are they seeking a deeper understanding of why they are in pain and what that pain means about them and their life? Are they feeling helpless and really asking, “Am I going to be okay? What does ‘okay’ mean for me when I’m in this much pain?” In diving deeper, you can really suss out where your question is coming from and what you are truly seeking in your search for an answer. In this case, it might be a sense of safety and connection more than just a solution that may or may not be readily available. 

By reflecting upon the questions we ask, I believe we can truly understand the significance of our questions and can refine them so that we can engage in a more meaningful process. And through this process, I think we can achieve more profound relationships within ourselves and with others.