Have you been scrolling on your phone a lot lately? Biting your nails? Shaking your leg fervently while you’re sitting down? Drinking and extra glass of wine at the end of the day? Watching a cute animal video, or 2, or 50….no, just me? 

Something I have noticed in discussions with friends, clients, and within my own experience lately, is that we often say we want and need more alone time and space, but then when we actually have those moments, it can be challenging to be present in the stillness and the quiet. I was at a meditation class last night and my phone was away and I was surrounded by people who were all there to embrace the quiet and be with the breath, and still, I found my mind wandering, my body fidgeting, and found it very challenging to be present. I really needed this quietude but my mind and body struggled to stay and longed to be doing something else.

Oftentimes when we have difficulty being fully present with ourselves (and for what it’s worth, I’ve never met anyone who finds this easy) there is something we don’t want to feel or experience internally. It might be a painful thought or memory or it might be an uncomfortable emotion or body sensation. When there is an underlying painful or intense experience in our systems, whether we are consciously aware of it or not, our minds and bodies are brilliant at trying to cope and do so by finding a different thought or movement or activity so that we don’t have to experience the unwanted thing. It’s “easier” to distract, numb, or move. It’s preferable to do pretty much anything but feel the thing we don’t want to feel….or so we think.  

Unfortunately, the more we try to avoid the things that we don’t want to feel, the more we feel them, don’t actually resolve or move through them, and the more those things find us in louder, bigger ways. Our grief, self doubt, fears, and pain will be there waiting for us and stewing, regardless of if we spend an hour scrolling through social media posts. And, if we ignore those things within ourselves, they just sit unattended and alone. These feelings don’t tend to like that.

I caught myself this morning wanting to scroll on my phone, aimlessly. Today I tried something different and as I reached for my phone I took a slow deep breath. Then I closed my eyes and asked myself, “what don’t you want to feel right now?” The answer was readily available, and I listened and stayed with it for a few minutes. I believe the response was so accessible in large part because I actually took the time to be curious and ask, and I had the spaciousness inside to listen, rather than ignore it or make other internal noise or take actions that drown it out. This is not an easy practice and it will likely bring up uncomfortable emotions, thoughts, and body sensations. And, it also allows room for growth and some inner freedom. When we take the time to listen to ourselves and learn more about why we are doing what we do, we no longer are held captive by our numbing, fidgeting, and distracting behaviors and instead, can find greater compassion and presence for our inner experiences and move through our days in a way that feels more congruent with our hearts.