100%
One of the things I love most about being a therapist is being able to look at people, situations, families, and societal systems as being complex and nuanced. As I’ve said in a previous post, we generally want to stay away from extremes or viewing things as a binary; good or bad. That said, I heard a statement recently said by a very wise therapist and it really stuck with me and I think it further illustrates how we can hold a great deal of complexity. She said, “something can be 100% true but not 100% of the truth”. I love this point and it makes me think about one of the main modalities I use in my work with clients, Internal Family Systems (IFS). In IFS we view a person’s system as containing multiple parts that hold different beliefs, perspectives, burdens, and purposes. (If you haven’t seen the movie Inside Out, it’s a great, accessible children’s film that demonstrates IFS concepts.) In any given moment or situation, we may experience a part of ourselves that wants to do something, a part that doesn’t want to do that, and other parts that have a variety of opinions and emotions all about the very same thing.
Let me give an example. Imagine you are having a moment in which you feel deeply hurt by something your partner said or did. Your inner dialogue might sound like, “I am so hurt, I can’t believe he/she/they did that! I feel so disappointed.” My guess in this scenario is that there is a part of you that feels really hurt and disappointed, and that this is a powerful and strong thing to experience. It would be dismissive and invalidating to try to talk yourself out of your hurt or pretend you do not feel that way, and it probably wouldn’t go over too well if your partner tried to do so. It might really be true that THIS part of you is feeling completely hurt and disappointed. I believe it is helpful to acknowledge the real pain that this part of you may be experiencing, while then also zooming out and asking, “Is this the ONLY truth right now?” What I mean is, yes, it may be 100% true that you are feeling hurt, and that hurt you feel IS real and valid, and is there also another truth that co-exists with this one? Maybe there’s a part of you that understands why your partner did what they did? Perhaps it is also 100% true that your partner did not sleep well last night and is stressed by their job? Can you ask yourself what other things carry truth at this moment?
What I love about this idea is that it allows us to let our feelings, perceptions, and experiences be completely valid. A part or parts of us truly hold what they are holding and they don’t need to be argued with. At the same time, this frame gives us spaciousness to explore other truths and possibilities that exist within ourselves and within the people interacting with us. It allows us to consider what our partners, children, parents, colleagues, etc. may be experiencing and what is true for them too, as well as the multiple truths we may hold all at once internally. My sense is that when we embrace what is true for ourselves from a nuanced place of multiple truths, we move into a deeper place of acceptance for ourselves and others and a healthier state of being to hold the complexities of life.
2 thoughts on “100%”
I love this; to me, it sounds like showing empathy and compassion. I’m an extremely empathetic person (sometimes to a fault), but I’ve noticed that as much empathy and compassion that I can quickly and easily give to others, I have a very hard time giving to myself. I love, “something can be 100% true but not 100% of the truth”, because THAT is 100% true! And I love IFS because I wholeheartedly believe that we are all made up of many different parts. AND I love your comparison to the movie Inside Out because even (or maybe, especially) as an adult the concepts of that movie had immediately resonated with me. Like you said, that movie (and Soul!) is fantastic for kids to watch and absorb, even if subconsciously.
But going back to your initial message; it is definitely challenging to look at, or even remember, the “other parts” of ourselves when we are SO strongly feeling “one specific part”. I mostly struggle with this when it comes to parenthood and friendship. Any feelings of disappointing my kids or a friend whom I deeply care for, and I immediately feel like an awful Mother/friend; an utter and complete failure. I find it easier to ‘move past these feelings’ with my kids, but that’s mainly because I’m with them nearly 24/7 so we’re very quickly moving onto ‘the next thing’. *I will say that I AM very good at apologies, however. But when it comes to friendships, instead of showing myself empathy by reminding myself of ALL of my parts and how it’s ALL of these parts that define me, I flip the script and create all of these ‘made-up’ scenarios that I’m “assuming” are running through my friend’s mind, and every one comes back to me being a disappointment and a failure. I think there are many reasons why I tend to go down this mental path, but what sticks out the most is that I have a hard time believing that ‘my friends’/other people are considering ‘MY many parts’ and, in turn, showing me some grace. For me, this has definitely played into making it difficult to “make new friends as an adult”. If I can’t “give my all”, then what’s my worth as a friend? But “my all” is made up of a plethora of ‘different parts’ and, logically, I know it’s unrealistic to believe I can “give my all” to any one person on a regular basis. So maybe it’s about ME acknowledging my many different parts and not relying on others to do that for me. 🤯
Michele, you are so incredibly insightful and relatable, and a true friend (which, tying into all of this- I’ve felt like a failure of a friend in return, if I’m being honest). I am so appreciative to know you, and for so long!; and I am especially grateful for your vulnerability and insight when sharing these public posts. Love & miss you +the family! 💜
Hey Jamie, thanks so much for your thoughtful, insightful reflections. It all makes so much sense, too! When we’re blended with a part, or that part is in the driver’s seat so to speak, it SEEMS like its truth is the only possible truth. So when you’re really consumed by the part of you that tells you you’re only a good friend if you’re giving your all and otherwise are a “failure”, of course it’s hard to see other nuances and truths. An interesting question for that part could be what is it concerned would happen if it stopped telling you that? For instance, by telling you that you’re a failure/disappointment in a relationship does it believe it will help motivate you to NOT be a failure? Does it believe it’s keeping you on track and helps you remain tapped into empathy and care for others? Is it terrified if it didn’t do this that you’d somehow be in pain or alone? Parts can seem like they’re being really mean and cruel, and often their methods are, but there’s always a reason behind it and usually it’s actually a good intention to try to help you thrive, stay safe, and be connected to others. Unfortunately, parts are often younger and don’t have the best tactics or most effective methods, and that’s why they need our care and help to act more effectively and process their pain.
And yes, so much of this is about US acknowledging and meeting our parts where they are and not expecting to get that from others (much easier said than done of course!) At the same time, we don’t have to do this hard work alone. Everyone struggles with this.
Again, thank you for your thoughtful message. You are an amazing human and friend, not because you show up 100% perfectly or 100% of the time, but because you show up authentically as yourself with your compassionate, genuine heart. So much love to you and miss you lots too. <3