I’ve been working a lot lately with themes related to loss, grief, and letting go. Grief can be about so many things – grief related to the loss of a relationship, grief over a major life change, grief related to global politics and policies, and so on. There can be so many ways we experience grief. And really every time we let go of something, there is grief. 

But sometimes we don’t want to let things go, even when the time has come. In fact, many people wrestle with the idea of letting go from many parts within themselves – perhaps a kicking, screaming toddler part that says “I don’t want to!”, a fearful part that believes it isn’t capable, or an angry part that says, “but it’s not fair!” All of these parts make sense and deserve to be heard. At the same time, it doesn’t mean these parts are right or that we should do as they say and continue to hold on. It might be time for a release and a change – see my previous post “100%” that addresses the idea of multiple truths and different parts of our psyche. 

I’ve been thinking of grief a lot in terms of relationships; letting go of a relationship when it is time to do so. Not just when someone dies or moves or a relationship is bad or problematic, but also when a relationship no longer helps you connect to your greatest growth and potential or no longer matches your needs for where you are in your life. I have heard from so many clients of them letting go of friendships that no longer felt like the right fit, as well as them having ended all sorts of relationships even when there was so much good there. Loss is that much harder when there are various mixed emotions and benefits that come from a relationship.

The importance of letting go makes me think about the process of removing a brace or a cast after an injury. That cast was so essential and served an important purpose for the person using it; it helped provide support while the broken part of the body needed some TLC and was in the worst stages of the injury. It was needed in those early recovery stages, serving as a container to hold the broken body part and keep the repair intact. You may wonder, if the cast serves so many helpful purposes, why let it go? Why remove it at all? 

Holding on to a cast after it has served its needed purpose can be detrimental to a person’s growth. At a certain point, the body needs to continue its healing on its own. I’m not saying we shouldn’t lean on others for support; in this metaphor a person may remove the cast but still need to move on to PT or OT and various exercises to strengthen the wounded body part. In relationships, I firmly believe connection, deep supportive friendships, and healing therapeutic relationships are vital to optimal mental health and well-being. At the same time, I also think it can be almost addictive to hold on to relationships that are no longer serving us or have completed their purpose. The relationship, or cast, has become so comfortable and familiar that perhaps it is scary to take it off. But eventually if we don’t move forward without it, we lose our ability to strengthen ourselves independently and progress to the next stage of healing. We remain limited and constrained.

I can imagine as someone reads this they may feel that what I’m suggesting is scary. Letting go of a person or item or even a concept that keeps us limited sounds good in theory, but it might also be all that you know or something you have known and maintained for years. Change is scary, hard, and sometimes painful. But I do believe, and I have experienced this both personally and professionally, that when we do a trust fall of sorts and remove the cast, we get to stand on our own and discover the fullest versions of ourselves.