I just got back from the most wonderful retreat. I was with 22 women, each of whom brought their beautiful hearts, vulnerability, and precious life stories. Every person there showed up with intentionality and a desire to heal alongside other women. I was, and continue to be, deeply impacted and moved by the experience. 

Early in the retreat we made altars in which we contributed meaningful items, pictures, and symbols from different parts of ourselves and stages of our lives. One of the things I brought with me was this image of a statue with no arms and a man desperately hugging the statue and wanting something from it that it cannot offer. Up until very recently, I deeply identified with the person in the image, arms wrapped pleadingly around the statue, eyes longingly gazing up at the statue hoping it will meet his needs, and believing that if the statue really loved him, she would hug him back (despite physically having no ability to do so, even if she wanted to.) This image was given as a precious gift to me over 20 years ago from someone I love dearly and its message continues to speak to me today. 

My experiences in what I’ve heard from friends, clients, and other loved ones is that so many of us hold the incorrect belief that if someone else cared enough about us they would be able to offer us something different. “If they loved me enough they would….stop drinking, not cheat, be more emotionally available, change, put down their screens, spend more time with me ….” I’ve heard and believed so many “If they loved me they would”s over the years. 

But the real truth is, people’s limitations and “lack of arms” is about them, not you. No amount of how you show up in a relationship or your specialness to another person can get someone to change. It’s a misguided and painful loop to stay stuck in. 

If you catch yourself in this type of thinking, “If they really cared about me/if I really mattered to them they would…” I invite you to pause and breathe into your highest wisest self. What is hurting within YOU that this person not offering you is activating? Is it a sense of being important or being lovable or being wanted? Is it a sense of belonging? 

If you want to go even deeper, perhaps you can recognize ways that you (likely unconsciously) seek approval and relationships with people with no arms and how this reinforces your own painful beliefs about yourself and your worth. And, to take a step even further, perhaps you can imagine what may have happened to the person with no arms to create their limitations. This is not to excuse their behaviors and limitations, but to help give you a sense of peace and to take their actions less personally. Why might they not be able to give you what you want and need that is about THEM and their history and not about you? As I continue to work with this idea personally and professionally, the more I can recognize the people who DO have arms. This isn’t to say that they don’t have limitations, we all have our weaknesses and blindspots – myself very much included! 

This past week I had the privilege and honor to be amongst 22 women with arms, hearts, and souls wide open, able to give and receive, and it feels wonderful to put my focus and energy into that and receive all the gifts and connections that go with this experience.