There’s an analogy I read recently about how our issues “spill” out of us when we get “bumped into”. The analogy tells the story of a person walking around with a cup of coffee and someone bumps into them, resulting in their coffee spilling everywhere. That person subsequently blames the other who ran into them saying, “You bumped into me and that’s why my coffee spilled!” The idea is that whatever is in your cup will spill out and therefore it’s really about you and your stuff and not the person bumping into you. Yes…And no. 

While I completely agree with the notion that whatever someone else is triggering within us is ours to work with and is our “stuff” and our own personal wounds, I also don’t agree that if someone is constantly bumping into our “cup of coffee” that it’s always just about us. Or that the only thing that needs to change in that dynamic is for us to take a deeper look into what we’re carrying in our cups. 

What I mean by this is that we have agency in our lives and sometimes choosing not to be in a relationship with someone who bumps into us and spills our coffee is actually the wise, healthy adult choice. Relationships are hard and the ones we cherish most will have conflict and cycles of ups and downs. But we don’t want it to be so much conflict and pain, leading us to feel triggered all of the time. That just isn’t helpful or healthy for our nervous systems. Our culture applauds perseverance and fortitude, but I’m not sure that this is always in our best interest. 

I think of this especially in terms of relationships in which there is an unequal power distribution – a mentor or teacher figure, a boss, or a therapist or medical health provider. In these dynamics it can be easy to think that the person in power knows best as the “expert” and that our “coffee” must just be the thing that needs changing. But the truth is, we can’t work with the things that need changing within ourselves and we cannot do the work we need to do if we continually feel unsafe in a relationship or feel “bumped” constantly. If we think about the analogy in real life, would you ever choose to engage with someone who regularly bumped into you and spilled your hot coffee all over you, frequently causing you pain and distress? My guess is you would not make that choice. 

As you work to grow and heal your wounds, it’s so important to remain curious, honest, and open about what needs attention within you and what your triggers are. Know that even though your inner child wounds are not your fault, they are your responsibility to heal. And in that process of healing, consider loving yourself and accepting yourself so fully that you don’t need to hang on to people in your life who constantly knock over your coffee.