In the spirit of Halloween, I’m going to write about something really scary that’s been a theme in my writing this year….letting go, moving on, and saying goodbye to relationships and people who are no longer healthy for you to be involved with. 

Today is actually a big anniversary for me. It marks the beginning of the end of a relationship that was deeply painful for me. At the time, I thought the ending was one of the worst things that ever happened to me; I thought so highly of this person and couldn’t believe I was losing them from my life. I looked up to them and (mistakenly) idolized them as an older and “wiser” figure who truly saw me, knew my heart, and I trusted so deeply and completely. Surely there was nothing worse than to lose this relationship, and I felt in despair and betrayed. 

However, the more time and space that I’ve gotten since this happened, the more clarity I have had about it all. I’ve been able to see that while there was some good I gained in my relationship with this person, I actually endured a whole lot of harm and pain. And if I want to be fully honest with myself, I stayed in the relationship several years past its expiration date. All of this has me curious, why did I and why do we as people stay in relationships, despite our better judgment, that are hurting us and causing us so much distress? I want to emphasize that I don’t think I could even attempt to cover the many possibilities for this in multiple pages, much less a short blog post. But I do have some reflections that I’ll share below. 

I’ve been sitting with how much a relationship can have an addictive quality to it. There can be a pull towards a person and a way that you feel when you’re around that individual’s energy. The sense of being “hooked” on someone holds a great deal of complexity if it’s a relationship with a person who “gets” an aspect of you that is really sacred to you and maybe not many other people have understood about you before, or if you have brought and trusted very young parts of yourself to the relationship for this person to hold. When there are little, needy parts in the mix who are looking to this other person for connection, hope, and redemption, the pull of staying in a relationship with them can often outweigh the negatives and more logical thoughts about leaving. In these situations when our hearts and core unmet needs are raw and our vulnerability is high, we can easily throw reason out the window and lead with younger attachment needs.

Another aspect of staying in a dysfunctional and harmful relationship can be coming from parts of us that believe we deserve suffering, think it’s all our fault, and that we just “need to be different” for things to be better. This one is really common and I’ve heard friends and clients express it so many times and I can certainly relate. There’s a sense of control here in turning the pain inward, blaming oneself for why things are going wrong, and naively believing, “If only I changed and were better than things would be okay”. Unfortunately, this belief lacks the subtleties and the complexities that are involved in a relationship between two human beings. It is rarely one person’s full responsibility that a relationship is not going well, and I certainly do not believe anyone deserves to suffer or endure harm from someone else. 

For me, when people close to me have asked why I stayed for so long, it was in part because I held so much hope that there would be repair and that the other person was capable of changing in a particular way. There were JUST enough good moments to outweigh the bad ones and a young, hopeful part of me believed the other person had enough insight, skill, and capacity to look at themselves, own their piece, and change. I was SO invested in the desire and belief that they could be different, I let it cloud all the evidence of them showing me who they were and their limitations time and time again. 

While I could certainly go on and on about all of my theories, both personally and professionally, about why people stay in damaging relationships and why I did so myself, I’m also struck in my reflections by how much more spaciousness there has been in my life for more connected, healthy relationships once there was the removal of a deeply toxic relationship. When I told a colleague today was approaching she reflected, “And what do you know, you’re still here!” We were reflecting together that not only am I very much “okay” and here, as we all are after hardship that does not kill us, I can honestly say that I am the happiest and healthiest I have ever been. Sometimes when we think we are losing something wonderful, as cliche as it sounds, we are actually being given an amazing gift and opportunity to explore ourselves, shed things that we’ve outgrown, and come into our own power.

This isn’t to say this year has been all rainbows. There has been grief and deep anger and sadness and regret and confusion along the way for sure. There has been inner fury that I gave my power away to this person and trusted them and rage about all of the ways they abused their power and were oblivious and at times callous in their words and actions. But if I put my feelings towards them aside, above all of my hurt and pain, I feel so much love and gratitude, too. I cannot begin to express how incredibly blessed I feel for my fiercely loving and protective family and friends and team of supportive humans who over and over again reminded me who I am at my core, held me in my tears, brought me treats, talked on the phone, gave me tough love at times, took me on fun outings, and showed up for me in so many ways. I cannot thank these humans enough and will forever be grateful to each and every one of them. 

I know this post is even more personal than usual. And it wouldn’t be complete without expressing a whole lot of gratitude towards my husband. By far the best thing to come out of this past year was that it brought us even closer together. I love and appreciate you so very much. <3

Happy Halloween, ya’ll!