I had the most bananas experience yesterday. I believe that’s the clinical term for it; bananas. 

Someone who I had set a clear boundary with and asked for space made a choice to be about as close as humanly possible to me in a gym in which there was plenty of room to be elsewhere. They were literally inches from my body for an extended period of time, choosing an exercise machine beside me, when several others were available. And this was a person who has caused me significant pain and was part of a relationship in which there was an unequal power distribution between us, with them having historically held the power. 

The entire experience was very puzzling and disturbing to be on the receiving end of, though I am quite accustomed to confusing interactions with this individual and I have come to learn that this is pretty typical for others to experience this sort of behavior with them too. As I continued to move about the space and tried to create some distance, they came in and out of close proximity to me. After they left, I waited a few minutes so that we would not overlap. But then in the parking lot as I was standing by my car, they exited the building and when they saw me they ran….and I mean RAN to their vehicle. I stood there completely dumbfounded. I felt hurt, confused, and violated all at once. I felt anger towards them for their erratic behaviors and was frustrated with myself for giving them power over me and my emotional state…yet again. 

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but after so many months of not getting sucked into this person’s turbulent vortex, I got sucked into it all over again. My young parts were so stuck in the past and convinced; “But I knew this person. I trusted them and they knew me so well. They would never hurt me or be cruel or act this way.” Unfortunately, we can have a selective memory when our attachment strings are being pulled. And we can so badly want to make sense of something and put together puzzle pieces that simply don’t connect to make a complete picture because we will never have access to someone else’s inner world. We only have our own pieces of the puzzle and the rest is unfortunately a bit of a mystery. 

When people do things that seem bizarre to us, we have lots of questions…the big one for me is usually, “Why?” I spoke to a couple of badass warrior women today who reminded me of myself and what we do have access to, and so I’ll share some of that wisdom here. One big take-away from my conversations was to stop getting lost in the “why” questions. I will likely never know the “why” this person makes the choices they make and when I start to go down this path of “why” several unhelpful things happen. 

The first negative thing that happens when I am looping with “Why?” questions is that I begin to hypermentalize. I recently learned this term and LOVE it. I now catch myself and my clients doing it all the time. Hypermentalizing happens when we begin to draw assumptions and conclusions about other people’s behaviors based on projections and on more than what is actually observable. For example, I can assume that this person chose to be next to me as a power move to threaten me, as an accident out of obliviousness, or out of spite to hurt me. I can keep looping and making up all kinds of reasons for their behavior. But the truth is, I cannot draw any conclusions whatsoever based on what they did and the facts that I observed and have available to me. Imagining what might be happening for others is good. We want to mentalize (try to understand and imagine what is happening for ourselves and others and to reflect on possibilities for our own and others’ mental and emotional states and actions.) But overly obsessing and staying stuck in trying to figure out why people who harm us do harmful things and then drawing conclusions based on un-observable data is hypermentalizing and it is simply unhelpful to our own mental health. 

Another reason to not get lost in the “why” is because it takes us away from our own center and distances us from our own clarity and truth. When we focus on why someone is doing what they’re doing, we begin to abandon ourselves. We start reaching out into thin air hoping it will offer something substantive for us to hold on to. One of the women who supported me today kept reminding me that when we get knocked out of a boat, flailing and reaching into the abyss does not help us. It is also important to recognize that what knocked us out of the boat is not about us. The storm is about the storm, and sadly whatever is in its path gets impacted. So rather than focus on reaching towards a storm to help get out of a storm (which I realize sounds crazy when I say it out loud!) just get back in the boat. Find the boat, find your center, find your feet, and find your way home. 

Once I get away from the “why” I tend to go to fairness, which thankfully the other brilliant woman I spoke to today helped me with. I think especially after this election I am very focused on not letting people in power get away with harm. Right now some parts of me desperately want to seek retribution for people’s unethical actions. Today I was reminded that while it is valid to pursue justice for wrongdoings, especially after what I have been through with this person, I need to focus on what is ultimately best for ME as to where to focus my energy and life force. While I cannot control someone else’s erratic behavior, I can know they are not a safe person for me and move away and not let them affect my sense of center. She reminded me to keep coming back to who I am at my core and how when I am not near this person, I do not feel this way. This is so crucial to remember; that all interactions teach us about ourselves, and that we also do not have to subject ourselves to individuals who leave us feeling unsafe, unhealthy, and unhappy in their presence. 

I’ve cried more in the past day (and the past week) than I have in a long time. But I’m so very thankful that when my gut tells me “that was bananas” that it’s usually a good indication that something is way off, to check where I’ve fallen and gotten thrown out of the boat so to speak, and to also know that I can get back in and return to my center.