In the last three posts I covered the C-A-L of CALM: Compassion, Approach, Label. In this last post, I want to complete with a discussion of M:

Model: demonstrate coping skills

I like to think of this stage as being one you can use both during and after the storm of the tantrum. Part of modeling involves setting limits. You can make space for all of your child’s feelings and go through the first three steps (showing them compassion, approaching them lovingly, and helping them to label their emotions) while also establishing boundaries. For instance, if your child becomes aggressive towards you or a sibling during a tantrum, you can firmly state “I won’t let you hit. Here is a pillow if you need something to hit.” Or, you can set the limit nonverbally by helping to hold the child if you feel you can do so in a calm, effective manner. The approach here depends on knowing what works best for your child, and like most things in parenting, this takes time and a lot of trial and error to learn! The point is, you are modeling for your child what your limits are and demonstrating for them effective ways you want to help them channel their anger and other strong emotions. 

This modeling stage is also important as you and your child are coming out of the storm. The worst of it has passed, but there may be some residual sadness or feelings to process. At this point, your kid isn’t totally consumed by their strong emotions anymore and is able to hear you, so now is a good time to think about and try to impart what you want your child to get from this experience. Is it how to self-soothe? How to be present with their emotions? How to ask for help? Whatever it is, be clear on what you want to convey to them. I have found that it can be extremely helpful for a child to know that you, even as a parent, also have your own strong emotions. Giving them examples of how you try to cope with them is very effective. I remember when I once told my son that sometimes I get so angry and upset that I want to kick and scream, and how it helps me to lie on the floor, put hands on my chest and belly, and follow my breath. He looked at me with such relief and softened his eyes almost as if to say, “Really? You feel this way too?” Our kids are constantly looking to us to how we navigate difficult circumstances and it can be useful for them to know we struggle too as adults and to hear specific ways we cope with those struggles. 

With M complete, this is the last post in the CALM series. I hope that this CALM acronym is helpful in weathering the very trying times of toddler tantrums! Remember that if you can handle the storm, and you can consistently demonstrate these skills, your child too will learn to trust your process now and in the future.