It never ceases to amaze me how kids are far more comfortable with topics that we as adults often find “off limits” or taboo to bring up openly. My 3-year-old has continually been processing her experience of my father’s death out loud with us. She will regularly — and matter-of-factly — state, “Baca died.” (Baca is the name my son came up with for my dad when he was a baby.) Sometimes my daughter asks me “When will I die?” or say, “I wish we could all be together forever.” One week, my kids kept repeating that they don’t like Baca anymore because “We don’t like people who die.” Sometimes hearing these things can be tough. The minute I am not thinking about something deeply painful, there they are to remind me, sometimes unintentionally making comments that sting. Losing a parent creates an open wound, and sadly it is not one that heals quickly. The constant comments and questions and reminders from my kids can sometimes feel like frequent sprinklings of salt right onto that fresh wound. 

Today, though, I discovered a different side to this experience. I was feeling extremely sad about my dad’s death and I was crying. My daughter noticed I was sad and asked me why I was crying, to which I replied, “I’m really missing Baca today.” She sat with me for a few moments and I could see the gears turning in her head before she eventually said, “Do you wish your Daddy would come back?” I started to explain how that couldn’t happen but then I realized that she was not asking if it was possible; her question was whether I wished he could come back — did I want him to come back. Her question made me able to recognize in that moment how my feelings and experiences were not all that different from my 3-year-old’s. The parent-child relationship is such a cardinal bond, and in that moment I was just a kid who missed my dad and wanted him back. I was surprised how this small conversation with my young child was so eye opening and almost simplified the experience for me, making it far less overwhelming and allowing me to understand and accept the sadness I was experiencing. 

Grieving with two small children nearby has been challenging because, as a mom, I always have to be “on” and I can’t just sit and cry all day or have moments of quiet when I most need them. At the same time, I am so grateful that my kids have helped me to be more aware of my own feelings as I answer their questions and understand how they are processing their emotions surrounding loss. Later this afternoon my daughter asked me, “Are you still feeling sad?” I was still feeling sad, but not quite as deeply before, and I think that understanding my loss through her perspective is what really made the difference.