It’s been hard to know what to write about lately. So much is happening in our world that is upsetting and overwhelming, and at the same time, right now the days seem to all blend together from one to the next, with more of the same quarantine activities and lack of normalcy. I barely know what day it is most of the time.

Despite the monotony, a big part of me has really enjoyed quarantine, to be honest. I haven’t minded the ability to do less, I’ve appreciated the break from constantly putting my kids into car seats and driving all over the place, and I’ve really enjoyed the increased time with my family. Though, despite starting quarantine with a hopeful spirit and trying to focus on what I’m grateful for, June has been an especially challenging month. It was the one year anniversary of my grandmother’s and father’s deaths (something I was doubly reminded of with a Father’s day that came shortly after), we reached 100 days in quarantine (while still watching the numbers of COVID-19 cases steadily rise in many areas), and there have been the horrible events of one police murder after another alongside regular violence against the black community. With all of these events I’ve found myself feeling angry, scared, confused, and helpless. And, as if this weren’t enough, I’ve also felt guilty for feeling this way, especially when I know how privileged I am, questioning myself on how I contribute to, or at a minimum do not actively take enough of a stand against, the systemic racism and problems that are deeply entrenched in our society. I’ve found myself at a breaking point over the last couple of weeks and have wanted to scream “NO!” to everything happening around me and the awfulness and injustice of it all.

In trying to process all of these experiences, I was reminded by my therapist of the benefit of practicing radical acceptance, especially during challenging times like this. In its simplest form, the concept of radical acceptance suggests that you acknowledge the reality of what is happening around you in the current moment. It is about seeing and accepting the present moment for what it is, no matter how awful or undesirable, and dropping any resistance you have towards accepting things exactly as they are. This may sound counterintuitive, but it is only once you accept things completely as they are that you can truly begin to heal and make change. Radical acceptance does NOT mean liking a sad or difficult situation, or remaining silent when you are wronged, and it does not mean inaction. But it does suggest that you completely accept how things are, as it is only then that you can move forward.

I found this idea relevant in being able to work through my own grief. Since my dad’s passing, I’ve been angry and unwilling to accept how quickly he passed. Whether it’s been experiencing ongoing tension in my body or repeating statements like “it’s not fair” in my internal dialogue, I hadn’t accepted his loss. The problem is, not accepting the loss has not made it any less real or true — it’s only added to my pain. So, I decided to try implementing some radical acceptance by doing something as simple as repeating to myself, “I accept that my dad died.” It felt strange and new and I wanted to resist it, but once I kept repeating that statement, there was a calmness and acceptance that I began to experience. I didn’t lose my sadness or suddenly want his death to be true, but I became a little bit more at peace with my reality.

In terms of the ongoing terrible harms, losses, and discrimination of the black community that has recently had such a widespread acknowledgement, I found that in order to best listen and take action, I first had to realize and accept my responsibility in working against these injustices. Racism is a huge and ongoing issue in our society, and just because I am not actively racist or deliberately hurtful towards others does not mean I am excused from taking actions to be anti-racist. Once I was able to sit with this, accept it, and take in all of my feelings about the situation, I’ve been able to make choices about how I want to be more actively anti-racist and how I want to educate my children to be the same.

This has not been an easy entry to write. It brings up challenging and painful topics for myself (as I’m sure it does for others). But my willingness to be vocal about it stems from knowing how much physical and emotional pain I have experienced this past month, and how much it has helped over the past few days to remember the importance of radical acceptance. Even writing this entry came directly out of radical acceptance. It was only when I stopped beating myself up for dropping my commitment to my blog recently and stated, “hey, this is just the reality of where I’ve been right now,” that I felt a release from the bind I was in and felt free and ready to get my thoughts down.

I’m not assuming that continuing to practice radical acceptance will always be a smooth path, but I am hopeful that those that try it will have a deeper connection to the present moment and an ability to move forward with greater acceptance and compassion.