I am so glad October is over, despite it being one of my favorite months. This year’s October meant hitting a half year of the pandemic, feeling lots of pent up stress as the election inches closer and closer, and being in full swing of my child’s (often insanely stressful) virtual school. At the end of September someone wise suggested I read Pema Chodron’s “When Things Fall Apart” — it’s almost as if she knew what the next month would bring! I think I could probably write a post about each and every point made in this book, but one that resonated most with me was the book’s discussion around how people react when they feel “squeezed”, by which she means being in a tough position in which we feel highly uncomfortable, perhaps even feeling like things are caving in on us. She talks about how despite all of our usual resources and beliefs — like connecting to your inner wisdom and self, using kind words with others, staying present with the moment, etc — when we are in the squeeze, these skills tend to easily go out the window.

In reflecting upon this in therapy terms, I’ve been thinking about how “the squeeze” can put us into a place of fight, flight, or freeze…or perhaps a cycle of all 3! This is to say, when faced with this type of situation, you may find yourself wanting to “fight”, possibly becoming combative with those around you, especially those you may feel are responsible for you being in the squeeze in the first place. You may find yourself in a place of “flight” where you want to run away from your upsetting circumstance or avoid it. Lastly, you may end up in a place of “freeze” in which you shut down, not fighting or fleeing, but tuned out and numb, unable to be in your present state and tolerating it as it is. Being in the squeeze very much feels like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t, and that’s a very scary place to be. It’s not surprising that we have these big reactions when we feel squeezed.

In reading this book, though, I was reminded that these brutal moments provide us with the opportunity to go deeper, if we’re willing. This is a big ask when we feel we have been wronged, when we feel deep embarrassment or shame, and when we’re feeling completely stuck. It’s natural to want to find a way out of the pain. Instead, Pema Chodron suggests that it’s in these very moments that rather than shutting down our hearts and minds, rather than digging our heels in further and making a case against someone else, and rather than running away, we have the opportunity to become more open. We can be open to uncertainty and confusion. We can be open to feeling caught off guard and hurt. Being open requires us to leave our clinging to answers, safety, certainty, and “rightness” at the door. It means that maybe nothing can be fixed, at least not at this moment, and that you may have to hang out in that space of pain and brokenness for some time. I know this is very challenging, but the upside is that when you stay in the squeeze, you open your mind and heart to learning more. Perhaps you learn what is REALLY at the heart of your pain and struggle and you can grow from this, or maybe just being with yourself offers you the grounding and compassion you really need. The point isn’t to have a goal or agenda, it’s to be able to learn more about yourself and to allow your experience and mind to be broader, as opposed to shutting down.

So, coming off of Halloween I encourage you to do something truly scary — stay with yourself in your hardest, most tender, unexpected, and painful moments. Let yourself be raw and exposed, and let that allow you to go deeper into discovering yourself and becoming more open to life. Stay with the squeeze.