In starting this blog, I had made a goal to put out a weekly post on Wednesdays. However, when on Tuesday late afternoon my grandmother was given 36 hours maximum to live, my Wednesday became a day of dealing with intense events and emotions and many draining tasks.

In the midst of all of this I have found myself frustrated with the timing and lack of fairness of what is happening — how it is unfair that my grandmother had to suffer and decline the way she did, how I have to experience other close relatives being terminally ill at the same time, how it is unfair for my (Holocaust survivor) grandfather to lose his wife when he has already been through so much suffering in his life, and how explaining this loss and other imminent family losses to come feels like too much for my young children. Beyond that — and as silly as this may sound in the grand scheme of things — I felt annoyed with myself that I just started a blog and had my next post in a sequence all ready to go but now felt wrong posting something totally irrelevant to what is actually happening in my life. And each of these things are in addition to the raw feelings of mourning for my grandmother.

I have wanted to clench my fists, scream, cry, and say “no!” to everything that’s happening around me. While I know this is all a normal part of grief, the problem is, resisting unexpected events and emotions doesn’t change them or make them go away. In fact, it increases suffering. It adds further pain to an already painful experience by not only having to deal with what is actually happening around me, but also dealing with inner turmoil and the pain of fighting what is happening.

So tonight I am choosing acceptance. It certainly does not mean that I like or want what is going on around me. It does not mean it is magically “better” or pain free, either. I like to think of resistance as very heavy baggage that I am carrying around and I imagine that choosing acceptance is watching my body put some of that baggage down. I imagine saying to myself “this sucks and I am hurting”. I imagine talking kindly to myself the way I would to a close friend experiencing something similar. I choose acceptance, or at least I am desperately trying to, not because it’s easy, but because I know it is the only way I will move forward.

So, in choosing acceptance and rejecting resistance, I am left feeling like one big way for me to accept her death is to state it out loud through this post. This is especially therapeutic for me in preparation for her burial tomorrow. I like to remember, though, that while we may be burying her body, her impact and spirit will live on and I will remember her fondly. I love you, Grandma.