This past week I was hit with a double whammy. 24 hours after my grandmother died, I got a call that my father had passed away. Shock, anger, and sadness have been among the many feelings I have since experienced. I wanted to take some time to gather my thoughts, though, to help honor his life.

One of the most valuable things I learned from my father was when to speak up and use my voice to help others in need, and when it is not worth the time and energy to pay attention to what others around me are doing.

My father was very proud to have been a part of the Civil Rights Movement of the 50s and 60s. He participated in the Selma marches and marched with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, and he was jailed and beaten for fighting for rights for minorities. He wasn’t afraid to speak up when it mattered.

I remember when I was in junior high and dealing with a bully, that I kept repeating to my parents I “hated” that person. My father listened to my frustration and then went on to have me look up the meaning of the word “hate” in the dictionary. We then had a lengthy conversation about what it really meant to hate someone, and how, even this person who was causing me pain, was a person and did not deserve my hate. At the time, my teenage self found this conversation annoying and ridiculous, but I have since reflected on this interaction between us many times in my adulthood. I now recognize that he wanted my heart to be filled with kindness and empathy for others, not hate, and wanted me to fully understand what a powerful word that was.

At the same time, my dad frequently repeated a saying to me “don’t let anyone take up space in your head who is not paying rent”. What he meant by this was, if I was ruminating about a person or a situation that caused me distress, but it wasn’t coming from someone who really mattered to me and enriched my life, that this was not worth my mental energy. They were not “paying rent” and giving to the relationship, and therefore, he was encouraging me not to allow the person/situation to consume me. This is a lesson and saying I regularly remind myself of to this day.

It has been incredibly painful and sad and somewhat unexpected to say goodbye to my father so soon. I hope that in writing about some of his values and teachings that I help his memory to live on. I love and miss you, dad.