With everything going on, I didn’t follow up on this post as quickly as intended. So I decided to beat this week to the punch (and hopefully there are no new punches this week, please!) and post step 2 now. As a reminder, I had come up with the acronym “CALM” to offer steps to weather the storm of a child’s tantrum. You can review the first step, “Compassion”, linked here. Now on to the next step!

Approach (and allow): let them feel your support

For many kids, it can be helpful to move in closer. This can look different depending on the kid and the circumstance. The intent, though, is the same. You want to convey that you are comfortable getting into the storm with them, and that they don’t have to do it alone. You may want to gently rub your child’s back, hold their hand, hold them, or even just take a few steps closer to show you are fully present. If it doesn’t feel safe or ideal to physically approach them, you can still approach them by getting down to their level. Even having non defensive body language and facing them is demonstrating your presence as opposed to ignoring or avoiding them. Use minimal words at this point. If they are crying, let them cry. If they are screaming, let them scream. You don’t need to enter into a power struggle here. At this point, it’s about approaching them lovingly and allowing the storm to come and pass through. No amount of fighting it will make it leave faster, and in fact, may have the opposite effect.

I added “allow”, because for some kids, they may not want to be approached. For some kids, like those who have sensory processing disorders, are on the autism spectrum, or have experienced trauma, physical approach may make them feel threatened. Or even a child who is often soothed by contact, it does not mean that this is what they want every time. Approaching isn’t necessarily about getting physically closer. Although many times this may be the case, if a child doesn’t respond well to physical touch when in a heightened emotional state, you can convey your presence by repeating that you are there for the child and that they are safe and all feelings are safe. You can also check in and ask, depending on their developmental stage and verbal ability, “Is it okay for me to come closer?” or “Would you like a hug?” Many times when my daughter is inconsolable she cannot communicate much, despite normally being quite verbal, but when I ask if she wants a hug she usually nods yes. Children will generally have a sense of what they need and can communicate their needs if they feel safe in their environment. When you can approach your child and allow them to experience the tantrum, without trying to control it, change the subject, or minimize their experience, you are also demonstrating your confidence in handling it and knowing the storm will eventually pass.

I’ll get into the next step, Label, next week!